Perverted

They stay asking why I keep on giving up

So I just look down at the empty in my cup

You got everything that you need and the people too

And I keep on asking God why don’t he just make me you?

I keep getting here

But there are no tears

Nothing can make me cry anymore

I touched the ocean floor and it just kept on sinking

So I decided to fall there until I reached something

Now half my life’s almost gone

I aint got nothing to account for but my wrongs

I breathe air and feel like I’m gonna drown

And when I look up all I see is the ground

Now, I’ve shed my blood, sweat and time

And to this day I don’t even have a dime

So one has to ask themselves, “What’s living”

‘Cause I’m only one pebble away from tripping

Even if I make something of myself

Would I be as happy as everyone else?

Or is it just a show that y’all put on

‘Cause I would like to know where’s the casting call

I’ve been desperate in my attempts to reach God

Stay crying out... Why don’t you hear me Lord?

But ever since one day I’ve been accountable for all my sins

And I thought there was protection over ignorance

I fold one piece of clothing at a time

And just like that the years don’t even stop to say Hi

So I ask Him could he finally just take my life

‘Cause I’m not going down for suicide

If your saying, “Wow”, please know that I was grateful

But everybody has their last straw  

California where the sun don’t shine

Whoever said it don’t rain in Cali, Lied

‘cause it won’t stop raining on my parade

So I gave up hopin’ for a brighter day

And when you feel like you’re doing it, you’re not

Tomorrow comes and day by day YOUR dreams are stopped

You keep reaching up just to get dropped

And then you find there is no bottom stop

Why wasn’t it me born happy?

Why was I granted so many difficulties?

They’re so minute but they’re their own little army

And they keep killing every single opportunity

So I smoke and I drink and I think and I contemplate

And I hope and I pray that these flaws will just run away

And I’m down, down so, so low

And I’d rather not forgive or let go

Maybe misery is just my calling

I’m so comfortable now it’s fun not smiling  

-Janae (written 6/28/09)